It was a messy month of reading. May was a roller coaster of emotions, and it showed in my reading tastes and efforts. Remember no-quit-April? Well, that went out the window. Here we go!

Does anyone else who played a lot of The Sims between the years 2000-2006 still sometimes gauge interactions by imagining a + or – symbol above people’s heads? For example, a condescending librarian is not understanding when a book comes back with water damage and you think, “Chill out, lady. I initiated this report and am happy to pay for it. This is a solid -3 in our relationship, BARB.”

Well, whether you relate to this or think I’m insane, I can further explain how I rate books. Like Olympic gymnasts, there are possible points and automatic deductions. Don’t question me on this. The math does not check out and, in the end, it’s arbitrary. Here are some determining factors:

+1 if I laugh or snort out loud.
+1 if I cry (I actively avoid crying books, so it’s impressive if they can get me)
+.25 for a pretty cover
+.5 for each character I am genuinely rooting for
+1 if I can recommend it to other readers
+3 if I can recommend it to my mom
+1 if it makes me want to read another of the author’s books
+.25 if there is a map
+.25 for each time an author identifies how much taller the man is than the woman (because it makes me laugh and snort out loud)
+.5 for each use of the word “sinew/sinewy” (once you notice it, this word is everywhere and it makes me giggle)

-.25 for each use of the phrase “clicking his/her tongue”
-3 if at any point the female character questions if she is pretty enough for her partner
-.5 for a sudden or ambiguous ending
-2 pregnancy in the epilogue
-1 for over-the-top gore/violence/sex that doesn’t advance the plot
-.5 for each time an author is obviously going down a diversity checklist and stops the plot to condescendingly explain basic issues (pronouns, LGBTQ+ characters, race, etc.) ***Before I get canceled, let me clarify: I just want these issues to naturally appear instead of stopping the book for a lecture. Show me, don’t tell me.)
-.25 pregnancy or childbirth scene, extra points off for any kind of birth trauma
-.5 suckering me into crying over an animal

This is an ever evolving list. I would be fascinated to hear some of your biggest “EEK” turn-offs in books.

Let’s see how this month shaped up:
Audio – 6 (May did not afford much sitting, hahaha)
Physical – 3
Mix – 2
Quits: 5

Format: Mix of (mostly) audio and physical
Rating: 3/5
Genre: Children’s Fantasy
Warnings: General violence surrounding mythology
Why I read it: Continuing the series!
I’d recommend this to: upper elementary in need of a series

While I was swept away in the fun quest and friendship of the first Percy Jackson book, this one fell pretty flat. It felt like one of those sitcom recap shows where they show clips from the previous season. It was a mix of “I know this already!!” and “Wait – what’s happening?” Percy goes on another quest to save a friend – this time focusing around cyclops characters. It’s still a good time for the YA adventure of it all, but it was really just killing time until the cliffhanger to the third book. Unfortunately, it killed my motivation for continuing the series anytime soon.

Format: Mostly physical, with an audio finish
Rating: 4/5
Genre: YA Fantasy
Warnings: Exposure to a lot of sewer poop, mild violence & dead humans/animals
Why I read it: It was on a list of cozy fantasies – and look at that little angry cookie cover!
I’d recommend this to: teens (or adults!) in need of a light fantasy without committing to a series, fans of the Robin Hood vibe

A 14 year old wizard needs to save her community with magic – but her powers only work on bread. I mean, come one, that’s adorable. This was an easy and fun read with an entertaining cast. The back 30% gets a little long – the climatic battle becomes a bit of a chore, but overall I really enjoyed the writing and humor of this adventure.

Format: Physical
Rating: 4.25/5
Genre: Romance
Warnings: Mental health (anxiety, depression, manic episodes), abandonment/attachment issues, “open door” romance
Why I read it: New book from this author
I’d recommend this to: fans of her other books or fans of Emily Henry

Two back-to-back romantic genre books that I really enjoyed!? History in the making! I was sure that after loving Funny Story (Emily Henry), I’d be in a romance drought for a bit. However, this book gave moments where I actually laughed out loud and built a world where I wanted the book to keep going. In fact, that’s my main issue – the ending seemed really rushed and complicated. Just like the other book of hers that I read (Yours Truly), I fell in love with the characters and adored the first 70% of the book. Then it introduces a ton more conflict and wraps it up really fast. I never read the first one in the series (Part of Your World) but it makes cool connections to her other characters. I really enjoyed this one.

Format: Audio
Rating: 1/5
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Warnings: Abuse, Infertility, Abortion, Grief/Death, Paranoia, Mental Health, Alcohol, and More!
Why I read it: I found it at a thrift store and had seen it multiple places. It was highly rated by Goodreads and a handful of my Goodreads friends (sorry, Friends!)
I’d recommend this to: people that delight in being tricked by magicians

Oof. This gets the rare and wonderful one star. Why wonderful? Because it means that this book made me angry. A book I greatly dislike gets a 2. A book where I’m livid that I finished it? One star, baby. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting and dragging myself through boring paranoia and jumping timelines and descriptions of abuse and meandering plots – WAITING for the ending that was going to blow me away. After all, the blurb on the back warns you that you should assume nothing! Well, apparently if you give that warning, you can just make anything up that doesn’t fit with the rest of the book at all. I think the authors read what they had so far, brainstormed a bunch of “twists”, took a tequila shot, gave the middle finger to the reader, and included them all. These twists don’t even make sense. The epilogue should not make me roll my eyes, and yet, my peepers rolled with the force of a teenage hormonal army.

Fun fact into my spaghetti brain: I wondered if I was making up the part where “peepers” was another way to say eyeballs (it is), but then it made me go on a deep dive into this frog: the Spring Peeper.

It’s time for Heidi to go to bed now. Don’t mind me!

Format: Audio
Rating: 3/5
Genre: Children’s, Animal Fantasy
Warnings: Animal cruelty (dogs)
Why I read it: Sequel to The One and Only Ivan
I’d recommend this to: Dog lovers and fans of the first book

The audio book was great, because it was voiced by Danny Devito – an excellent pick for Bob. Apparently, he also did the voice in the Disney+ Ivan movie, so I need to bump that up my viewing priority list. The plot of this one was a bit of a stretch and lacked the charm of the original. What could have been another simple, sweet story about Bob finding his sister turns into a rescue mission with zoo animals in the aftermath of a tornado. While I understand the need for an intense event to spice up the plot, it detracted from the simplicity of Bob. So, it was fine. A solid 3.

Format: Audio
Rating: 2/5
Genre: Fiction, Fantasy-ish
Warnings: Language, Drowning, Plague, Mental Health/Suicidal Thoughts
Why I read it: DMPL Challenge “Floral Cover” – For the record, the audio book cover has flowers on it! HA!
I’d recommend this to: Fans of The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

I told myself that I would read the first available audio book that mildly interested me and had flowers on the cover for the library challenge category. Then I gave myself my own “substitute teacher appreciation day” by skipping school, popping in an audio book, and doing hours of yard work. Treat yourself. I did end up gobbling up this book in a day – and it was a roller coaster. I really loved the general premise (man has a medical condition that makes him age 1 year for every 10 in real life), but it read like if they took 5 books and just shuffled them together. The romance story line that was pitched on the back cover blurb absolutely disappeared from the 65% mark to the 97% mark. It hopped around in time and name dropped random historical figures and events – all while trying to figure out the motives of The Secret Society of Aging Mafia (at least, that’s what I called it). It was a weird puzzle of a book. Anyway, it was better than The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue (similar vibe), but not by much.

Format: Physical
Rating: 5/5
Genre: Fiction/Fantasy
Warnings: Sometimes crass/blunt
Why I read it: Read with Jenna Book Club
I’d recommend this to: Fans of Emily Henry, Kevin Wilson, and books where you can accept things that don’t make sense

Look, this is going to be a weird book that appeals to humor that is just a little on the quirky side. If you love my odd picks, you will love this book. If you love historical fiction and grumble at my terrible reviews of popular books, just skip it. This book is not for you. I first started giving “Read with Jenna” books a chance with Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson. You know, that book where kids spontaneously combust – but in a sweet and humorous way? So when I saw that it was April’s pick and the blurb made me chuckle, game on. Imagine the movie Groundhog Day meets It’s a Wonderful Life meets Sliding Doors meets Bridget Jones Diary. All you need to know is that there is a magical attic that has the ability to split out a new husband whenever the current one goes up the stairs. From page 2, I was baffled at how the author would write her way out of this massive plot problem. Suspend your disbelief, friends, and go for an adventure.

Format: Physical
Rating: 4/5
Genre: Science Fiction
Warnings: Graphic death by mammoth, poaching/violence
Why I read it: The Clive Library challenge had an “Under 100 pages” category. It was 98 pages.
I’d recommend this to: fans of Jurassic Park and readers with patience

I’ll admit that I like my sci-fi with a little silliness. And this was not silly. However, it was a baby step into harder science fiction and a very manageable 98 pages. The first few chapters were a struggle, as there was no explanation to the setting/characters/POV and it jumped around a lot. But once I finally got oriented to what was happening and invested myself in the plot, it was interesting! I could go on and on about this book, but I will assume that most of my friends have no interest in a book about a scientist’s consciousness getting downloaded into a recreated mammoth. Sooooooo…….moving on!

Format: Audio
Rating: 3/5
Genre: Childrens, Fantasy
Warnings: N/A
Why I read it: My fifth grader read it, and I don’t think I ever had!
I’d recommend this to: readers in need of a quick classic

I have extremely mixed feelings about this one. It’s charming and “classic” and feels like a trip back in time. However, I also have SO MANY QUESTIONS. Sure, that’s the point of making it a good book to discuss, but this book needs about 50 more pages to tie up a whole lot of loose ends. Don’t make me speculate about what happened during a 70 year time gap, Natalie Babbitt!! Ugh. I don’t want to use my imagination to fill in THAT much. It’s very much giving The Giver vibes – which would delight and intrigue many people, but I hated the ending to The Giver too (Heidi ducks as all educators everywhere chuck their reading group editions at my noggin.) I also have questions about a 17 year old that’s really a 104 year old that wants to make plans to marry a 10 year old. Let’s just not think about that too hard. It’s a CLASSIC.

Format: Audio
Rating: 3.75/5
Genre: Fiction
Warnings: Language, Drugs, Abortion, Infidelity
Why I read it: Going back for the audio book version after enjoying the book and mini series last year
I’d recommend this to: fans of documentary styles, throw back to 1970s vibes

This is an interesting one to rate. I first devoured this book (and gave it 5 stars) when I was at the height of rediscovering reading last year. I loved the documentary style and how it felt like it was a real band. When I watched the Amazon Prime series adaptation, I was so mad at how they portrayed some of the main relationships – but then after listening to the audio book, I was like – oh, oops – they were right. That actually made me be much more critical of the story and it didn’t have the original magic as the first read. However, the full cast and production made it a hypnotic listen and it was entertaining while I planted flowers. Ha!

Format: Audio
Rating: 1/5
Genre: Fiction
Warnings: Emotional abuse, toxic relationships
Why I read it: Clive Library Challenge – “A Book with Library in the Title”
I’d recommend this to: fans of The Bridges of Madison County

This book scored the coveted “One Star Due to Rage”. Hey, it made me feel something! A lot of things, actually. The author was just plain cruel to the only likable characters. The toxic characters had little to no remorse. The twists were so predictable that I groaned. It spent a large amount of time name-dropping other books and pop culture references. It checked off SEVERAL of my reading pet peeves mentioned above. This plot could have been so lovely and fun, but it was just slow and sad. I would have quit it multiple times – but I sped up the speed and checked off “A Book with Library in the Title”. D’oh!

And now, I will continue to be a literary curmudgeon. After a No-Quit-April, I could not get in the right mood and stalled out a few times. So now, I present: May’s Quit List

It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.
Look at that cover. oooOOoooooh. And I really thought this book would lean in to my past love of the Hunger Games series. However, the first couple of chapters seemed like an overwhelming Mad Libs of fantasy writing. I just didn’t have the bandwidth to learn about six unique worlds/cultures and the curses that went along with all of them. While a fight to the death on an island that appears once every 100 years is appealing, it was not the right time for me to take this particular book on. DNF @ 6%.

Since I really enjoyed A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking, I wanted to try another Kingfisher book ASAP. The fairy tale vibes really intrigued me and I was drawn in by the main character’s quest – but some of the imagery was really dark/creepy and I called it when there were multiple pages of realistic and unpleasant childbirth scenes. (She becomes a temporary midwife in a village without modern medicine. That was the clear line that called it when I was on the fence.) DNF @ 16%.

Look at that cover! Gorgeous! This seemed like an interesting YA Sci-Fi. However, I really struggled with the first few chapters and was relieved when I gave myself permission to quit it. As much as a barren world of dystopian potato farming sounds fun, it was not. DNF @ 9%.

The blurb (credited to an author I like) said it was a mix of Finlay Donovan (a character I like) mixed with Emily Henry (another author I liked). Unfortunately, it did not work for me. It a mix of very casual writing (Disney channel vibe: “I bet you’re all wondering how I got into this mess, am I right?) and an extremely slow start. For being a CIA agent working undercover for the FBI, I was bored and did not care if the characters got together. OOPS. DNF @ 25%.

I tried. I really tried. After enjoying the more intense sci-fi of his short story (above), I thought I’d tackle Nayler’s novel about futuristic murderous octopuses. However, the world building and arrogant characters broke my brain and desire to move on. A lot of the ideas were really cool, but it was just too much and the slowest of starts. I skimmed some reviews and a reader of similar mindset gave up at 40% and claimed the humans had still not encountered the group of octopuses. I only lasted 12%. The best part about reading this book was that it sparked some research on my own. Fun facts: You can use octopuses or octopi, but my spell check will underline octopi. A group of octopuses is called a consortium. You’re welcome.

That’s it for now. May reading was somewhat of a dud – but watch out, world – it’s SUMMER BREAK! Let’s see what June has in store…